New Year, New Lessons
- Bailey Bowers
- Oct 25, 2017
- 4 min read
I knew going into this school year that it was going to look significantly different than my first two years at Liberty.
This year I stepped away from leadership (not necessarily my own choice, but that’s another story altogether), I started a real grown up job as a teacher’s assistant in the School of Education, and honestly, nothing had worked out the way that I hoped it would for this year.
By the end of my first week of classes back in August, I did something I had not yet done: I dropped a class. Not only that, but I decided to drop my minor in Global Studies. While I still want to go overseas and teach more than anything else in the world, I realized that perhaps these few classes wouldn’t be as big of a benefit as I thought they would. Perhaps they’d add unnecessary stress to my life.
Now, for a girl who has always (and I mean always) been an overachiever, this class/minor dropping created an odd sense of guilt within me. Yes, I knew that I didn’t need the stress. I knew that I still had a heavy workload. But there was this part of me that kept whispering: you’re not doing enough. This work you’re doing, it’s just not enough. You’re not measuring up.
My workload has been back and forth – heavy one week, not so bad the next. For the first time in my college career, I feel like I have truly taken the time to take care of myself – physically and spiritually. I’ve been going to the gym. I’ve been *trying* to get extra sleep. I’ve been *trying* to be more intentional with the relationships God has placed in my life. And even though I’m not in leadership, I feel closer to God this year than I have any other year at LU.
All of this was great and awesome and I was becoming okay with just being a normal not overachieving college student. Until Sunday night when I had to register for classes for the Spring.
It had been a long weekend – a fun weekend – but not very productive. I had spent time with the fabulous ladies on my hall, but in turn, hadn’t gotten a whole lot done and couldn’t check off things on my to-do list (this may seem insignificant, but it’s a big deal, trust me). Pair this with the fact that I was getting ready to register for my next to last semester on campus (like WHAT)…I was a mess. I could feel the tears and panic rising in my chest. It was a familiar feeling, something that I had known regularly last semester and even this summer.
But since coming back to school this year, I have come to know that those fears and panic – that was all the Enemy. Because my God is not a God of fear. He is a God who doesn’t give me a spirit of fear, but gives me the spirit of power, and of love, and of self-control (2 Timothy 1:7).
Even though I knew this – both in my head and my heart – somehow those lies crept back in:
You could be doing so much more.
Being a normal student isn’t enough.
Why didn’t you get more done this weekend?
Work harder. You need to earn it.
Are you really good enough?
Are you really working hard enough?
Those lies that I thought I had conquered came flooding back in as if a dam had broken. So in the midst of sending a text to my parents, God whispered straight to my heart. And what He said has made me want to cry a totally different kind of tears.
My daughter, I have not called you to perform for me. I have just called you to rest in Me, to come into My Presence and trust in the work that has already been done for you on the cross.
And as I listened to the soundtrack to La La Land, my God’s peace came rushing over my heart as He reminded me of the truth that there is absolutely nothing I could ever do to deserve His love. On my own, I will never be good enough.
What has hit me hard and clear this week is this:
God doesn’t care how many credits I’m taking.
He doesn’t care if I have a minor or not.
He doesn’t look at me poorly because of that C I made on my economics test.
My God doesn’t love me less because I’m not on leadership.
No, He doesn’t turn His face because I don’t love my job.
All of these things – all of these things that I see as gaping holes and inexcusable weaknesses, He only sees as opportunities for His strength and His Name to be made greater. He doesn’t want me to perform for Him or try to earn His favor.
Jesus already did that on the cross.
Jesus earned my freedom from these lies and that guilt and every nagging whisper of the Enemy so that I can rest and experience the freedom I have in my God.
And I don’t know where you are or what God has been doing in your life. But if you’re anything like me, every once in a while, we just need to be reminded that God loves us because we are His…not because of anything we could ever do for Him.
My prayer is that you and I would both begin to fall more in love with this God who doesn’t call us to perform, but calls us to slow down. To come before Him and rest in this love – in this God - that always sees us and meets us exactly where we are.
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